Happily Ever Now

Anger is a clue. A clue that a need is not being met. When it is present, listen.

Often people are afraid of anger because they’ve had bad experiences with it, such as being on either side of abuse, losing or hurting something or someone or a combo of all of the above. This may be obvious, but I’m going to say it anyway, anger is not violence. Anger is an emotion. On Abraham-Hicks’ Emotional Guidance Scale it’s on the way up from fear, powerlessness, depression, grief, guilt and unworthiness (and more). Why? Because at least you are feeling!

If a client has been in a funk of fear or depression or doubt, I encourage her to clarify what she doesn’t want and to ask questions about what she needs and we get to the bottom of what the anger is signaling. And when we get through that, there’s more energy to work with and it starts moving. At the bottom of the scale, there is depression and fear. It’s so easy to stay there. It’s like stagnant pool with not much happening. But anger is flowing and alive.

Many of us haven’t been taught how to be with, express or ‘manage’ anger. There’s no solution that’s right for everyone. The 3 tools and practices that follow are what I have found to be most effective:

1) Express it as soon as you feel it. If you shove it down it will build up and turn into Mount Vesuvius. What I’m talking about here is prevention of reactive outbursts, not controlling your emotions. Trying to ‘control’ anger is like trying to control the ocean. Talk to the person (see Happily Ever Now™ blog entry on Compassionate Communication for more about how), talk to someone else you trust, write about it about twice as long as you think you need and/or try tool 2 or 3.

2) Move your body. This is truly miraculous. When you feel angry simply move your body. The first time I experienced this I was triggered by someone who had triggered me daily for months and my new friend said, “Go jump on the rebounder.” Though reluctant to let go of my anger, I did it anyway and felt less tension and more light really quickly. One technique, called “joint play,” I learned from fellow relationship coach Cliff Haggerty who trained with Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks. While standing, you simply move your joints around in a goofy and simple way while you keep breathing. I like adding the expression of whatever noises want to come out. The first time I tried this during a fight with James, I simply went to the bathroom, did joint play and when I came back in the room the energy had shifted. It’s not always that effective, but it’s worth trying.

3) Talk to the anger. This only works if you are really in touch with it, you have a facilitator and/or you are really open to this idea. For some it’s a challenge for the ego to get into ‘talking to the anger.’ Sometimes anger is so old that it comes from a part of you that is so young that it doesn’t speak with words. To speak with it, start by asking it how old it is. Ask it why it’s angry and what it wants/needs/isn’t getting. Negotiate with it and create clear action steps. There’s a model of an effective voice-dialogue process in my ebook.

I know I’ve felt overwhelmed lately and I don’t even watch the news. A client just forwarded me this link and I’m glad to share it. It’s a preview of an ad that will run during the Olympics.

http://www.wecansolveit.org/page/invite/repoweramerica

Another sign of hope.

There are couples coming to our August 2nd workshop from Southern California and from the East Coast. These couples are so dedicated to their relationship that they are willing to travel that far to spend a day focused on their relationship and learning new practices and tools to support their future…and their Happily Ever Now. I’m so grateful to support them in their adventure together.

James and I traveled to L.A. a couple of weeks ago to attend a workshop (sexpassionandenlightenment.com) that forever changed the way we see relationship. We are integrating our learning and experience from that workshop into our next workshop August 2nd. This one-day workshop will be the juiciest and most solid we’ve given yet.

This will be the grand finale. It is the last one we are doing together. We are each simplifying our work lives and prioritizing our personal lives by focusing on our individual businesses rather than juggling 2 each.

If you haven’t attending our one-day workshop, don’t miss this opportunity. Visit http://happilyevernow.com/1_Day_Workshop.html to learn more or to register. To guarantee we impact as many people as possible with this final workshop, we are offering a 50% discount and some valuable gifts to support participants. E-mail or call me for the code. 415-887-4208, info(at)happilyevernow.com

When I backpacked Europe after college and years later when I traveled all over Central America I had the most amazing, miraculous and synchronistic experiences.

I met someone at a hostel in France and then saw them walk by as I was napping in a park in Venice 2 weeks later. I completed days of travel with a newly-made traveling buddy from the Bronx. As soon as we parted, I met another person on the bus who I traveled with for the next 2 days who had a friend with a hotel in the next town I was headed to.

It was a sort of ‘travel-flow.’ How come that doesn’t work in day-to-day life?

What if it can?

I asked myself, what is it that I have when I’m traveling that I don’t have in my day-to-day life? I thought of a few things…lots of time with little or no schedule, relaxation, surrender, and an intention to have fun, explore and an openness to adventure.

What if cultivating more synchronicity in your life is as simple as the following ideas:

-taking a different street than usual to a destination you commonly visit

-instead of your usual mocha with no whip cream, try a chai

-exercise at a different time of day or find a way to spice it up

-respond different than normal to a friend just to see what happens

-meander randomly and see what you find

-go early to an event and see who you’ll meet

-insert your ideas here

When there’s spaciousness, you are opening opportunity for miraculous surprises. Enjoy!

When you have conflict with some one you care about, it can be challenging to communicate with compassion. If you have ‘history’ or shared ‘baggage’ all kinds of involuntary expression can ooze out.

Below is a powerful method of communication to help clear out anything that may unconcsiously oooooze out before you dive in to the issue(s) at hand.
This teaching comes from from Thich Naht Hahn and it goes like this-

Sit comfortably side by side or facing each other directly (with nothing between you). One person at a time does the following:

1. Share 3 acknowledgements of the other person

2. Say 3 ways you are personally responsible for the situation

3. Share what is left

Another way(that can be combined with the way above) is to speak in 3rd person. For example, when I share with Sharon, I would be saying “When Sharon does…., I….”

One other thought as a way to start a conversation–see if the starting point can be each person describing where they think the other person is.  Basically an empathy exercise, and each person goes until the other person feels satisfied with the level of understanding the other has.

Let me know how it goes. jen@happilyevernow.com

Earlier this month I write an e-book called Happily Ever Now for Your Love Life. It’s all about clearing the past by acknowledging how it served you and turning all the crap you experienced into fertilizer to support you in moving forward with grace and ease.

Then, this weekend, at a workshop called Sex, Passion & Enlightenment, I learned something that has changed my relationship to the past and the present forever.

When you are in the moment, which is always where you are, you can choose love. If you are stretching your capacity to love, to receive, to give, stuff may come up from the past. You may have flashbacks of fear, you may feel closed off, but you can still choose love.

How you ask? Right now, choose love. Love your computer. Love the pen on your desk. Love your cell phone. Think of someone or a pet you love and allow that love to fill you.

Take a deep breath.

Now, choose love.

P.S. To receive a scholarship to a 4 hour Sex, Passion & Enlightenment workshop visit this link then use this code: 724782. Don’t do it unless you are ready to transform the way you see relationship forever.

I went to a San Rafael Chamber of Commerce Mixer this week. There was a raffle for half of the bucket of money which is based on how many people buy tickets.

I only bought one ticket because that’s all it takes to win. As the woman with the bucket put the ticket in my hand, my friend Sharon said, “Jen’s lucky. She’s going to win.” I thought to myself, “Cool, more than one person is wanting me to win. I have Sharon’s good ju-ju working for me to. I am going to win.”

As they were calling out the number for the $75 cash, I reached into my pocket to pull out my ticket. I couldn’t find it. Darn, I thought, it’s these shallow pockets in these dress pants. Then I remembered I put it in my back pocket so I wouldn’t loose it. I found it.

The first number they called out for the winning ticket was an 8. My ticket number began with a 2.

My friend Sharon won.

Want for others what you want for yourself.

Today I was meditating on the hillside behind our house. Our cat Tiger was lying in the shade from my body (a common occurrence). After a while I became distracted, kinda let my mind drift and then had an idea of what to focus on next for my work day. I turned toward my home to do the thing I was thinking about.

Tiger got up, ran in front of me, meowed loudly and basically corralled me. This he has never done before. I asked him what was up and he meowed again emphatically and maintained his ground. I started to walk around him and he jumped up and smacked his paw toward me.

Maybe I wasn’t done meditating afterall. So, I took a few steps back, closed my eyes, took a few moments to seal my connection with the Divine and took a few breaths. I felt clearer and more grounded. Then I mindfully walked toward my house and Tiger skipped along beside me down the hill.

I learned about Ho’oponopono sometime last year. I was recently handed a book by Dr. Joe Vitale and Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len, PhD, called Zero Limits.

Ho’oponopono is a Hawaiian ’system.’ It’s a teaching and it’s a healing process. Wikipedia defines it as “mental cleansing.”

Dr. Hew Len defines it in Zero Limits like this:

The Updated Ho’oponopono, is a process of repentance, forgiveness, and transmutations, is a petition to Love to void and replace toxic energies with its self. Love accomplishes this by flowing through the mind, beginning with the spiritual mind, the super conscious. It then continues its flow through the intellectual mind, the conscious mind, freeing it of thinking energies. Finally, it moves into the emotional mind, the subconscious, voiding thoughts of toxic emotions and filling them with itself. p. 67

I’ve been using it this week more than I ever imagined I might need to. Anytime I feel uncomfortable, jealous, judgmental, angry, or bitter, I do the practice. I say the following to the part of me that is creating the experience: I love you. I’m sorry. Forgive me. Thank you. I do this slowly. And I breathe while I’m doing it.

And tonight I was sitting at the dinner table with my partner James and I noticed myself feeling fear about some little detail not being perfect on the table. I realized that my fear of things not being perfect is really a fear of being punished. And while this might stem from corporal punishment in my home growing up and in my school (I grew up in rural Tennessee), now that fear is projected on god.

My perfectionism is about my fear of the wrath of god.

To the part of me that creates my god as a judgmental, wrathful big white guy in the sky, I love you. I’m sorry. Forgive me. Thank you. Thank you for showing me that I create my god. God is in me. After 11 years of releasing my Southern Baptist faith, I’m still a recovering Christian.